I opened the Christmas crackers early this year .....

A man walks into a chemist's and says "Can I have a bar of soap, please?"
The chemist asks "do you want it scented?"
The man says " No, I'll take it with me, thanks"

The police arrested two kids down our street yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one, and let the other off.

;)